Dear Rachel
by redhotgleefan
Summary: Quinn has to deal with a terrible tragedy the only way she knows how. WARNING will have depressing sad elements. I was going to make it one long shot but decided to break it into chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Rachel,

I have been trying to put into words how I feel about you but there are no words. There is nothing I can say that makes sense to me at least. I guess all I can say is I love you Rachel Barbra Berry. So much. Every ounce of my being loves every ounce of yours. I love the way your eyes water when you are singing an emotional song. I love the way your nose twitches when you sleep. I love the way you tighten you lips into a straight line when I piss you off and all you want do is curse me. I love how everyday your hair smells of coconut and vanilla. Love your big beautiful smile. I love your contagious laugh. I love how big your heart is. I love how genuine your soul is. But what I love the most is that you love me, flaws and all, even when I'm being a bitch. The way you love me is the way everyone should be loved. I could never be who I am today without your help. Thank you. You have cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. You are my greatest love and I promise to love you for the rest of my life. We deserved to have it all. I wish I had more time with you. I took so long in admitting my feelings for you. I'm so sorry Rach. It should of been me and not you. Knowing I can't see you or hold you anymore shatters my heart into tiny unfixable pieces. I don't know how I'm suppose to live without you. It seems so impossible to do. My therapist said writing to you may help me deal with my grief. Losing you, I know will never get over. I can't even get myself to drive by your gravesite knowing your beautiful lifeless body is buried there. There is so much more to say but I'm being called for pill call so I have to go. I'll talk you tomorrow my love.

Forever, Quinn

 **This is just a little something I thought of one night and decided to see how it does here. Warning this story will be very dark at times. I would appreciate feed back and any questions or ideas. thanks and enjoy xx**


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Rachel,

Your fathers came for a visit today. We talked about how I was doing here and what they've been up to. They left you out of the conversation. I think your dads know I'm not ready yet. They miss you so much Rach. It breaks my heart to know they lost the only piece of themselves they would ever have in this world. I do really enjoy seeming them. We have a little routine. Your fathers come and visit me every other Saturday. As of right now they're the only ones I allow to visit with. They just get it you know. In a way it feels like we need each other. We are the only people who know what its like to be apart of your world. I know Puck and Santana comes to see me everyday. After telling them no so many times they just stopped asking and just sit in the waiting room for hours. Everyone else wants to pity me and I can't handle that right now. I'm not ready to talk about you with anyone. I still can't listen to music because every song reminds me of you. I sometimes wonder if you can see or hear me. I like to believe every time I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin its you holding me. And every time the wind blows I can almost hear you humming in my ear telling me you love me too. I cry a little less when it rains, almost smile. It use to be so hard to listen to rain because it made me miss you so so much. A lot of our firsts happened when it rained. Our first kiss when we snuck off of campus and you took me to your favorite place in the woods behind the school. There was a beautiful river back there and you said it was where you did your best thinking. I asked what were you thinking about at that very moment. You looked me in my eyes and took a step closer to me, grabbed me by my waist and gently kissed me. Then you said you've been thinking about doing that since freshman year. At that very moment I knew I was in love with you. We had to run back towards the school because it began to rain. The first time I told you I loved you was during that huge argument we were having about Finn. He just asked you to get back together and you asked me if there was any reason why you shouldn't. I felt so vulnerable at that moment so I told you to do what ever you want. I was being a coward and didn't want to admit how I really felt about you. We were in the school parking lot and the sky was dark grey. It began to thunder and I yelled at you to get in the car so I could take you home. Of course you refused and called me out. You told me I would end up alone because I'm afraid to let anyone in. You asked me to give you a reason to fight for you. My mouth couldn't form any words as your eyes welled up in tears. I knew I was about to lose you forever. As you began to walk away I did the only thing I could think of. I whispered "because I love you". I'm surprise you even heard me as you turned around slowly. I would never forget the look on your face. We stood in the rain for what seemed like forever. And as the rain poured down your face and mixed with tears you whispered that you loved me too. The first time we made love was at my house. My mom was away visiting my sister for the weekend and I asked you to stay with me. We were so awkward and nervous for some reason that night. You could feel the sexual tension in the air. Something you may not have known, I asked Santana to give me some tips on what to do because even though it wasn't my first time it was my first time with you. Obviously the entire time she laughed and told me it should be easy because you were so tiny. Anyway back to that night, we laid in bed facing away from each other on opposite ends of the bed. I could almost hear your heart beat pounding. I turned around to face you and wrapped my arm around your body. You jumped at the contact then turned to face me as well. I told you we didn't have to do anything but you insisted and said you were just nervous and didn't want to disappoint me. Then a big loud crackle and the sky seemed to open up with rain. We looked at each other and smiled. I'm sure we both felt like it was a sign, it calmed our nerves and I'm sure you know what happened next. We went at it like animals that weekend. The only times we got out of bed was to get food to restore our energy. Monday at school we walked into Glee and everyone just stared at us as we walked to our seats. Santana leaned in between us and loudly said to the rest of the group "called it pay up Puckerman." Puck demanded proof before paying up and she pointed to my neck which had a few scratches. We looked at each other confused. Everyone stood up and surrounded us examining my neck as well. Apparently they all made a bet on our sex life. Puck made some crude joke about a cat and you blushed burring your head on my shoulder. I laughed so hard and you smacked me playfully. Every time you and Puck argued ,after that day, he would purr and claw at you. God I miss you so much Rachel. Rain or shine I still think about you constantly.

Love, Quinn


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Rachel,

I can't believe its been almost a year since you passed. Every night I go to bed believing I will see you tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. It hasn't gotten any easier, however the nightmares have subsided somewhat. My doctor says I've come a very long way and that I'm no longer a risk to myself. I have to admit I am a little hesitant. Do you know how hard this is for me? I'm suppose to just go on with my life...without you. The day you died wasn't the hard part, It was the days after and the days to come. Every freaking day I have to push myself to go on and everyday I just want to give up. Some days I feel like the air is being sucked from my body. It hurts so much Rach. I've never been so lost. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will fail you again. I'm afraid to be alone. Being in here is easy its like time has frozen and you are still alive. I have been away from the harshness of the world for so long that I don't know if I can handle being outside this bubble I've been living in. I don't know how to be me without you. I don't know how to move on. So I did what I should have done months ago but I just wasn't ready. I called Finn. He knows what it felt like to love you. I know at one point in time you really loved him too. Your father gave me his number. When I first called him, he hung up on me. I understood completely. I said some horrible things to him the night you died. He called me back the next day though. We talked for hours Rachel. You would be so proud of him. He decided to join the army right after high school. Talking to Finn I've noticed a maturity to his voice. I asked Finn to visit with me. There were things I needed to talk to him about face to face. I almost didn't notice him when he walked in with his uniform on. I seen him before he seen me. He doesn't look so boyish anymore. He looks like a grown man, a soldier. You would be pleased to know he stands straight up now he doesn't slouch his shoulders. I overheard him asking a nurse for me. She pointed me out and when he turned around our eyes locked. Finn may have changed but his eyes are the same. Still hopeful. Before I knew it he was in front of me. He engulfed me in his now muscular arms and gently squeezed. "Hey Fabray" is what he said as he hugged me. And just like that I began to sob into his shoulder. He just let me cry. I stopped when I realized I might be ruining his uniform. We caught up on each other's lives. He showed me a picture of a girl he met over seas. I told him about the psych ward and how I actually enjoyed it and it has actually helped me a lot. Finn began to tell me what everyone else been up to. Kurt got into NYADA but didn't accept, instead he moved to Paris and is studying fashion. Apart of me felt sad because I know you guys had this big plan on being on broadway and NYADA together. Mercedes now lives in California for school. Artie got into film school which is so great because he is so talented. Tina and Mike are both in school too, somewhere in Chicago I think he said. I felt so proud at that moment to have been friends with all those guys even if I've been absent for sometime. Then I asked about Santana and Brittany. Finn looked at me with a huge smile and replied through his grin that they were great, engaged to be married next year. I couldn't help the happy tears welling up in my eyes. Those two really deserved a happily ever after. We talked more about everyone and then I realized I forgot to ask about Puck. Finn's smile dropped. He then looked down at the ground. I could feel the tension build up and felt almost hesitant to ask again. Finn looked me right in the eyes and told me how Puck has been in and out of jail and has been drinking and abusing drugs. I took in a deep breathe to digest the information. When I asked where he was now, Finn shrugged his shoulders and replied he didn't know. Last time he saw Finn he was bailing him out for drug possession and they got into a huge argument about him getting help. I know Puck can be reckless sometimes but I feel like I should had been there for him or let him help me like he tried to for months. Finn doesn't think he's in Lima anymore. His mother and sister are worried sick as well. No one knows where he is or if he is alive. That breaks my heart. I have to find him Rachel. Puck needs me and I need him. Besides you and Santana, Puck is all I have left, he is my best friend. I have to make sure he is ok. I have to.

Love, Quinn

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